Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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