he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
