I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
