maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i will never coherently bang her
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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