One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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