How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
