my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
