i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
