she sounds like chewbacca in bed
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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