omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
