I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
there's paper in my vomit.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
