Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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