i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
