Where are you?
In a non slutty way
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
