Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
