I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
