Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
