why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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