So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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