yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
