I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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