You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
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