Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
