Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
