He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The struggles of a small town man whore
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
