I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
