I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
