Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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