Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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