i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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