Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
