u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize