im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
