dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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