And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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