he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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