there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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