Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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