What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
