I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
