my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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