my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Randomize
