I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
