I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
