I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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