Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
