I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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