i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
