I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Shame is for Republicans.
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