If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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