just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
