Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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