I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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