my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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