Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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