The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
