so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
