I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
pop tarts are not kleenex
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
