my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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