Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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